but it isn't insane on paper

I have committed to artistic posterity what people think of Jake:

( May not be safe for Jake's self-esteem )

(PS. Wanda, Jake drew that during one of his rage blackouts. He hates himself and your hair. And he killed an old man in the street, and stole shoes from six orphans.)

1. marieange is ugly. sooooo ugly. uglier than girl pete. if pete were a girl.

2. pete is not a girl

3. hahahahaha jake is in love with warren.

4. the end.

It's like you people spawn by splitting into two. What the hell happened while I was not bored and out of work to do? It's bad enough that they're crowding out the office. Even that weirdo with the freak cat came back. Like that song, only worse.

I swear, it deteriorates every year. Like plagues of locusts, or those tiny annoying fire demons that singe the ends of your hair. What were they called again? Oh, god, like it matters. I'm getting depressed just looking at these journals. I knew I should have refused to have the internet in this place. No wonder all those teenage girls cut their arms and dye their hair. I have inner pain now too.

Given recent events, I thought it best to remind everyone of another delightful aspect of life on Earth: Demon attacks. It has come to my attention that some of you have never even seen a demon. For those of you just joining us, demons are large ugly creatures who like to cause mass violence. They are magical beings, hard to kill, extremely strong, etc, etc. (Most of them, anyway.) They come in many shapes and sizes but are not generally hard to miss.

Regretfully, I will not be around full-time much longer to provide this knowledge on command, as I have been given a job in the city, so I present, for posterity, a guide to avoid being killed by demons.

How to tell if a demon is about to attack you:

1. A demon appears.
2. More than one demon appears.
2a. In which case, more than one demon will attack you.
3. Do you smell sulfur? If so, are you in a science lab of any kind? If not, this is a good sign of demonic activity. It has to do with coming from hell. Even if you are in a lab, exercise caution.
4. Are you a virgin? Have you given your blood to a stranger lately? You may have summoned a demon inadvertently. This has happened before, so you might as well confess and get it over with.
5. Have you summoned or otherwise attracted the attention of a demon on purpose? If so, good luck on not getting killed. Try to keep it away from the rest of us, please.

How to survive a demon invasion:

1. Run away.
2. After you have run as far away as possible, hide. Most demons do not possess a particularly robust intellect, so you may be safe.
3. Oh, try not to panic. Some demons feed on fear, so they might be able to track you and eat your spine. It's a really small percentage, though.

That ought to do it.

While you're all whining about humanity and the price of sin and whatever, can you please take a brief theological moment to be glad that you're all still human where it counts? (Most definitely not your brains.) I mean, not to play the "a demon sucked out the better part of my soul trying to destroy the world and left me to die in the dead of winter" card, but please. Property damage? How much of this house have any of you destroyed at any given time?

I don't care; it just irks me to see stupid people define things like they're going out of style. What are you, Webster's Dictionary? Give it a rest.

I forgot to mention it before, but Clarice? Ever do that again and I will make sure you never regain the use of your hands.

And just when I'd got used to it being so quiet around here, you all had to come back.

When I am an old lady, say in four or so years, I am definitely going to have an old lady house all to myself.

Not so much as a flicker of supernatural activity on the home front today. Or at least, nothing demonic. (That "coven" of witches stayed up in the schoolyard naked until practically six in the morning, though. Why do old people do things like that? It was bloody cold out last night. And their chanting was atrocious.)

Now I get to figure out why my sword of ultimate magical power didn't work on the bloody demon. Colour me a bit puzzled there. I mean, it worked on gods' magic, and quite easily at that. Which probably means that I got crossed with some fundamental rules of magic and am going to end up turning the pages of ye olde magick books with tweezers so they don't set my hands on fire. (Apparently, this was all the rage in protection spells back in the day. I'd take them off, but hopefully this will serve as a deterrent for anyone who's trying to steal them -- which I suppose is the point of protection spells in the first place.)

You'd think there would be perks, being as good at things as I am, not to mention talented, learned, educated, et cetera, et cetera. But no. No, for me, it's all Compendium of Magickal Theory, volumes one through sixty, in Latin.

Bloody hell. Stuck in the medlab for two weeks and not only do I miss the gunfire but the officially sanctioned field trip? Clearly fate is just not on my side.

I'd offer to do something useful, but I'm down one functioning arm and apparently off to instruct my demon hoardes in the art of hostile Earth invasion or something. Honestly, Amanda, could you please try for some imagination next time you decide I'm evil? It's like reading the telephone book at this point, your paranoia, and really, if you're going to accuse someone of being evil you might have the courtesy to be interesting about it.

Some people. No capacity for manners whatsoever.

I would write a long, boring entry about myself, but that seems to have been covered extensively already. You're all so very bloody mouthy. Just fill in the blanks for yourselves -- I'm sure you'll do so anyway, and I have to admit that my scaring you is one of the best things about being me. Boo.

Anyway, in my new if relative freedom, I'm going to buy coffee and perhaps try to catch up on my schoolwork before I fail as spectacularly as I probably will anyway. I realise I ought to be drinking the blood of my enemies and laying waste to entire populations of peasants, but that's rather unhygenic, isn't it? So messy, too, and I've just changed my pyjamas. Perhaps tomorrow.