[personal profile] x_magik
Given recent events, I thought it best to remind everyone of another delightful aspect of life on Earth: Demon attacks. It has come to my attention that some of you have never even seen a demon. For those of you just joining us, demons are large ugly creatures who like to cause mass violence. They are magical beings, hard to kill, extremely strong, etc, etc. (Most of them, anyway.) They come in many shapes and sizes but are not generally hard to miss.

Regretfully, I will not be around full-time much longer to provide this knowledge on command, as I have been given a job in the city, so I present, for posterity, a guide to avoid being killed by demons.

How to tell if a demon is about to attack you:

1. A demon appears.
2. More than one demon appears.
2a. In which case, more than one demon will attack you.
3. Do you smell sulfur? If so, are you in a science lab of any kind? If not, this is a good sign of demonic activity. It has to do with coming from hell. Even if you are in a lab, exercise caution.
4. Are you a virgin? Have you given your blood to a stranger lately? You may have summoned a demon inadvertently. This has happened before, so you might as well confess and get it over with.
5. Have you summoned or otherwise attracted the attention of a demon on purpose? If so, good luck on not getting killed. Try to keep it away from the rest of us, please.

How to survive a demon invasion:

1. Run away.
2. After you have run as far away as possible, hide. Most demons do not possess a particularly robust intellect, so you may be safe.
3. Oh, try not to panic. Some demons feed on fear, so they might be able to track you and eat your spine. It's a really small percentage, though.

That ought to do it.

Date: 2007-04-19 01:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-ccelerate.livejournal.com
The way you look out for your fellow man is truly an inspiration to us all.

Date: 2007-04-19 01:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-snowflake.livejournal.com
Do you mind? I am educating the masses, here.

Date: 2007-04-19 01:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-ccelerate.livejournal.com
An effort for which I am applauding you. I realize you likely don't receive many compliments, as a rule, but you might get more if you responded with any variation on the theme of "thank you."

Date: 2007-04-19 01:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-snowflake.livejournal.com
Two facts:

a) I've met you.

b) My face is bruised. Not my ability to detect sarcasm.

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Date: 2007-04-19 01:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-traction.livejournal.com
When my door gets knocked upon in the middle of the night by children who cannot sleep due to demon nightmares, I assure you that we will knock on yours so that you can join us.

Date: 2007-04-19 01:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-snowflake.livejournal.com
This is advice all children should receive starting at a very young age.

Date: 2007-04-19 01:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-forge.livejournal.com
No need to worry. I have the whole "protection from demons" aspect of security well in hand. It helps to know people who know these things.

Date: 2007-04-19 02:59 am (UTC)
xp_daytripper: (city streets)
From: [personal profile] xp_daytripper
You say the... most practical things. *grins*

Job's done, and I've even had confirmation it's done right. Who do I send my bill to? ;)

Date: 2007-04-19 01:06 am (UTC)
xp_daytripper: (occult research assistant)
From: [personal profile] xp_daytripper
Caveat to 3:

3a) Is Mr. Sefton aroud? No? Then there's a demon.

Date: 2007-04-19 01:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-snowflake.livejournal.com
He emits sulfur? I thought he just lived in trees or something like that. And teleported, of course.

Date: 2007-04-19 01:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-wildchild.livejournal.com
He makes the sulfur smell when he teleports.

*I* live in trees. Well, I try to.

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Date: 2007-04-19 01:25 am (UTC)
xp_daytripper: (by the pricking of my thumbs)
From: [personal profile] xp_daytripper
Kurt living in trees? Not so much - he tends to use them for practice for the gymnastics. Part of his personal skills base. Like Kyle said, he makes the sulfur-y smell when he 'ports.

And 'job in a city', huh?

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Date: 2007-04-19 01:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-juggernaut.livejournal.com
They do, however, squash pretty good when they get something heavy dropped on them.

Date: 2007-04-19 01:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-snowflake.livejournal.com
Well, you're the exception. Demons can't actually do all that much to you, can they? But for the lay person, these rules will help.

Date: 2007-04-19 01:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-roulette.livejournal.com
Well, reading through this list I am exempt. Happily, there are some uses from coming from the wrong side of the tracks. One would think that offering a blood payment would give a normal person ...pause.

Date: 2007-04-19 01:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-wildchild.livejournal.com
See, if I were gonna summon demons, I'd just raid the Red Cross's supply. SOME of the donated blood's gotta be from virgins.

Date: 2007-04-19 01:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-roulette.livejournal.com
Um, i think there's some sort of caveat to that. Like the person giving the blood has to do it with a special knife or whatever, and there's chanting and black robes and maybe I've watched waaaaay too many horror movies.

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Date: 2007-04-19 01:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-snowflake.livejournal.com
One would assume that pause would take place. But no. In fact, it did not.

Hence the warning, of course.

Date: 2007-04-19 01:36 am (UTC)
xp_daytripper: (on the road)
From: [personal profile] xp_daytripper
Yeah, well, Jubes always made the most spectacular mistakes. *wry* She's doing pretty well in California now - she's over at the West Coast Annex with Alison and Haroun.

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Date: 2007-04-19 01:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-roulette.livejournal.com
You know, personally I would said that that self-said person deserved to be eaten by the demons in a form of darwinian justice, but unfortunately unleashing hell beasts into this dimension is never a good idea, even if it means removing the less intellegent from the gene pool.

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Date: 2007-04-19 02:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-viento.livejournal.com
I do hope you'll at least be staying away until I can consistantly fly very far in the other direction.

Date: 2007-04-19 02:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-snowflake.livejournal.com
Hmm, I don't know. How long will that be?

Date: 2007-04-19 02:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-viento.livejournal.com
I'd give it another week, at least. Or another forever, if you'd like to take it seriously.

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Date: 2007-04-19 04:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-gambit.livejournal.com
Rasputin. My office.

Now

Date: 2007-04-19 02:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-pressive.livejournal.com
Uh oh, Illyana. You're in trouble now.
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