Given recent events, I thought it best to remind everyone of another delightful aspect of life on Earth: Demon attacks. It has come to my attention that some of you have never even seen a demon. For those of you just joining us, demons are large ugly creatures who like to cause mass violence. They are magical beings, hard to kill, extremely strong, etc, etc. (Most of them, anyway.) They come in many shapes and sizes but are not generally hard to miss.
Regretfully, I will not be around full-time much longer to provide this knowledge on command, as I have been given a job in the city, so I present, for posterity, a guide to avoid being killed by demons.
How to tell if a demon is about to attack you:
1. A demon appears.
2. More than one demon appears.
2a. In which case, more than one demon will attack you.
3. Do you smell sulfur? If so, are you in a science lab of any kind? If not, this is a good sign of demonic activity. It has to do with coming from hell. Even if you are in a lab, exercise caution.
4. Are you a virgin? Have you given your blood to a stranger lately? You may have summoned a demon inadvertently. This has happened before, so you might as well confess and get it over with.
5. Have you summoned or otherwise attracted the attention of a demon on purpose? If so, good luck on not getting killed. Try to keep it away from the rest of us, please.
How to survive a demon invasion:
1. Run away.
2. After you have run as far away as possible, hide. Most demons do not possess a particularly robust intellect, so you may be safe.
3. Oh, try not to panic. Some demons feed on fear, so they might be able to track you and eat your spine. It's a really small percentage, though.
That ought to do it.